Friday, January 4, 2013

shut it

I like resolutions-- except for ones about weight. I don't know why that is; let's face it, a lot of my resolutions don't happen. I didn't make a souffle or finish my novel in 2012, but that doesn't bother me or mock me as much as the weight resolutions or the exercise resolutions. I think the biggest problems with them is that they just aren't practical. Am I ever going to exercise on a regular  basis? NOPE. I can answer that honestly and speedily. I might exercise a while, get to a certain weight, and QUIT. Because I freaking hate exercise. And dieting for that matter. If I get to feeling skinny? I'm completely unmotivated, more than when I'm fat, which is saying something, so I'm definitely not keeping it up if I feel skinny.

I guess that's how I got here in the first place?

Bah. Here are my resolutions anyway:

1. Write on a regular basis. Like, just figure out a schedule and stick to it for Pete's sake. No numbers, nothing like that, just find your schedule, Laura. Make it happen now that you're not working 1 1/2 jobs that cause you to work at home too.

2. Be healthier. I don't know what this will look like. Not putting a number on it like I used to, but make better choices, darn you. Fewer carbs each day, walk a little farther, see if you can't chisel it down a bit more, k?

3. Grade your papers a few at a time. It's torture when you do them all at once, just do 5 a day and you're done in a week or so. DO IT. You'll thank me, Future Laura.

4. Read your Bible, you slacker. And pray on a regular basis, not just when you're scared at night or feeling guilty. I mean really, you're a grown-up now, with sons who look up to you and try to talk to you about Spiritual things. Up your game, girl, grow in the grace and knowledge of He who loved you more than you could ever deserve.

5. Read more. I think I started reading more this fall, but I'd like to continue that. I'd like to put a number on this one-- read 30 books this year. The way I used to read, that should be a piece of cake, but lately? Being all busy and stupid?  We'll see.

6. Bake that stupid souffle, darn it. Cheese. And soon.

7. Dinners around the table at least 3 times a week. Just do it, you're the mom and you have a crockpot. One out as a date night with the husband, the other weeknight around the TV. Weekends, you're on your own. Unpredictable city.

8. Bed by 11 on weeknights. Be a freaking adult, Laura.

9. I'm so hungry right now. It's 1:27 am. Whatever. Shut it. This all starts on Monday. MONDAY, I SAY!


  1. This is the most self-flagellating New Year's resolution I have ever seen.

    1. I have come back here and read this comment several times since you wrote, and I can't stop actually laughing out loud when I do. Because I didn't write it with any specific intention, but it really is just so angry and randomly self hating it cracks me up.

      I guess it's how I picture motivation-- like an army drill sergeant calling you a maggot would motivate you to one more sit up... or something.

  2. I was going for bitter and jaded. Close enough. ;)

  3. Souffles are easy. Poetry is hard.

  4. Yeah, one girl's bitter and jaded is another girl's giggly. I see both Jaimie's self-flagellation but also that this sounds harsher than you ever did when I knew you in person. A writing voice.
    Exercise: still a love-hate relationship. I've worked out six days so far this new year and will do two more days before the week is out. I jog sometimes and I started Zumba (which I both love and hate). I try to do planks and when my hand heals I'll do more arm weights. And lower abs. It's evil.
    Diet: In solidarity with a friend of mine, we're not eating out until at least St. Patrick's Day. I broke this once for an outing with friends, but one of them came all the way from Germany and I did cook dinner the same evening. And I may break it early next week for a very special barbecue place two hours away. I don't feel bad about these things. It's weird to be both strong and flexible about such convictions. The exceptions are arbitrary but well reasoned?
    Other resolutions: I am flossing every day. Everything else is a matter of incremental improvement. I'm cooking more and exercising more, but I don't seem to need something official to spur it on this time... at least this early in the year ;-)
    Oh! And I've been reading a little every night, even if it's VERY little.


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