Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Facing the Facts


*side note* I have a tumblr. Follow if you want. It'll have some crossposting, but will mostly be some old stuff I found recently and shorter snippets of things I'm thinking or writing.

Stasis. And the changing of the seasons. Turning 40. Writer’s block. Visiting my past through heart rending blog posts.

These things combined to make me depressed over the weekend. Like, to the point of not-wanting-to-get-out-of-bed-or-eat-anything depressed. I was trying to decide if it was any one of these things, but it wasn’t—any one of these things slows me down or makes me a little sad for a while; these things combined knocked me flat on my back with this awful, restless feeling.

Stasis. I haven’t been moving forward in anything. I’m just sort of treading water at work when there are all sorts of exciting things I should be working on, like proposals for a new program, lesson plans for the rest of the semester (actually kind of fun since I get to design it all myself), and the layout of a new course for Academic Support in our new LMS, Canvas. Then there’s my personal life where I’ve been hiding out. The husband and I spent nearly every night together the last two years, and it’s been amazing for our relationship. Add to that all of the great conversations and even the not-so-great conversations I’d been having with my sons about school, friends, bullies, and the meaning of life, and I had connections, people. But the last few weeks, I’ve been burrowing, and I don’t think it’s been healthy. I’ve been going up to my room and watching videos and TV and reading like a fiend. Just boundary-less entertainment and input, and it was amazing at first. But now, I think I’m feeling the disconnect, and it’s tough to get it back. My husband keeps calling me out on it, which is good, but he can’t be expected to try to pull me down the stairs every night. Time for me to reconnect, because hiding upstairs is only making my stasis, my depression, worse.

The changing of the seasons. This always happens to me. Though not usually in fall, I’m usually manic in the fall, and it’s the spring that kills me. I think this one will right itself if some of the other reasons right themselves, because I freaking LOVE fall.

Turning 40. It's not like it sounds. I don’t mind turning 40 or growing older—age really is a number to me. I still love my birthdays, and I don’t feel any older than 16. BUT. I am starting to evaluate what I’ve done so far with my time and what I’d like to do with the time I have left. I articulated this to my husband last night, and without looking up from the sports cards he was sorting, he said, “You’re having a midlife crisis. It’s your turn.” Which I thought was hilarious and incredibly self aware of him because, ladies and gentlemen, he had his own midlife crisis a couple of years ago (around the time he turned 40… coincidence?).

Writer’s block. I’m terrified of looking at my WIP right now. I just can’t face it. I’m going to write it in the wrong direction and then have to start all over again; I’m going to write my characters into some kind of hole or my MC isn’t likeable enough, so I should start over now, or… see? Not so much writer’s block as writer’s scaredy-pants. I just need to open the page and face the blinking cursor. Every day. 750, here we go.

Visiting my past. Oh nostalgia, you suck. You are a motivation sucking machine. A few years ago I went through a weird quasi-depression. Not a real depression, because I was happy for the most part (except when I was feeling sorry for myself, heh), and I was producing work like a madwoman. Too bad most of it was self indulgent crap, though I like some of it. I salvaged a bunch of it and stored it on a tumblr I started over the weekend. If you want to follow, it’s here. Basically, it will be smaller snips of what I do here, with some crossposting, so you might not want to follow. It’s up to you.

Ideas I’ve been having which may or may not just be a distraction from all of the things I should be doing: 1. A video blog to my sons, like letters in video form. It’s been done before, and I’m not trying to break new ground or gain an audience, this would just be for us, for them… someday. 2. Restarting book club. I had a book club with some grad school friends of mine, and it just fizzled and DIED when two of the girls had babies. Like, poof. And I can’t blame them because I and the other girls let it die, like maybe I just didn’t want the obligation anymore, I don’t know, but I kinda want it back now. The discussions were so much fun.

And this was for me. If you read all of this, you deserve a dozen cookies or a shopping spree. You choose and then, you know, go and get it. Because the girl who has lost 18 lbs has no cookies and will not be going on any big shopping sprees until she loses the rest. <3

2 comments:

  1. I read all of this and it was great. :)

    So all that stuff you wrote when I was in college was kind of self-indulgent I guess? But it seemed not to be because so many of the posts were written to a vague "you." I think that's why people loved them. That's not saying they were also shallow, because they weren't. Just very relatable. Which is good.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jaimes. I hope they felt relateable- they were very self indulgent at the time... >_<

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