Thursday, December 15, 2011

Bang Bang

I got bangs! Lovely, sideswept bangs. Yay!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's human to feel alone.

My son is tormented tonight. He says he feels alone and is scared. I don't even know how to begin to approach this, even though I know why it's happening. Last night, he was watching recordings of his favorite game on youtube, watching what other kids have recorded themselves doing on the game. Youtube will often suggest videos to watch over to the side. He clicked on one called "recording."

It ended up being a filmed suicide. He was very disturbed by it, obviously. He told me about it, and I sat down, ready to disprove the video and show him it was fake, only to do a little research and learn that it was very real.

So tonight, he says it's not the video. He says he's just scared and alone and he doesn't know why. But, c'mon, too much of a coincidence, don't you think? I read him one of my favorite, most comforting verses: Psalm 55:22 and then prayed with him, reminding him that God is always with us and that he is surrounded by the love of his family and his God.

I'm just worried about him. Sitting in the living room typing this instead of up in my bedroom, so he can hear me typing until he falls to sleep.

Sometimes, I hate the internet.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Starting Over... Again

So I started back on my weight loss goals today. Made healthy food and have gotten the Wii Fit out again for weighing and playing. The good news is, though it seems impossible to me, I've kept off the 10 lbs I lost!

I think I am starting my new job this week. One school, tutoring, proctoring tests, teaching online. It's great money and low stress. This can only help in my diet, as I definitely eat worse the more stressed I am.

I have until May to meet my goal weight. Nothing really magical happening then, I just think it's a realistic goal. It would be nice to enjoy the summer all skinny!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Looking for a Good Story

I always thought of myself as the type of reader that would read just about anything. However, a recent post to my facebook asking for reading recommendations had me realizing that I am actually quite a picky reader. I don't like Christian fiction or self help; I don't like non-fiction as a general rule, though there are rare, occasional exceptions to this rule; I don't like historical fiction, and I loathe straight up romance.

I think my main favorites are well written mainstream literary fiction, like Pulitzer Prize winners; horror, though I can't seem to find any I like other than Stephen King; I like young adult, supernatural and mainstream; some chick lit; ghost stories, which I think of as their own category, separate from supernatural and horror; and a few thriller/mystery types. I don't usually like high fantasy or books in which a child dies or is lost.

The thing about this-- there are exceptions to all of these. I like C. S. Lewis, a Christian writer. I like Jane Austen-- romance if there ever were romance.

Anyway, I finished the latest Stephen King book, and I'm scouring listmania tonight on Amazon. It's weird to feel like I've read everything in my favorite genres, when I KNOW that's not even close to kinda sorta possible.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

"There was a time some time ago when every sunrise..."

Music has a particular magic. If books allow escape, music enhances the current (or remembered) experience. If you're sad and you listen to sad songs, the feeling may be magnified somewhat, but ultimately, you feel empathy. Someone else has been this sad over this thing before, and look, they put their sorrow to music. Or if you're sad and you listen to upbeat, happy songs they can sometimes completely alter your mood.

I went on a musical scavenger hunt tonight. My childhood was serenaded by the music of the time: the 80s. From the hair bands (how I loved Poison!) to the soft and mellow love songs of Chicago and Phil Collins. When I listen to these artists now, I cannot help but BE that lost girl in high school. I remember the time, the sounds of people's voices, the places, the smells, and the feelings-- good grief, the feelings! The distance between the events that caused such feelings and the present allows a sort of delicious wallowing, to feel the hurt, but at arm's length with the knowledge that things did, after all, get better. Like, better than I could have planned for myself at the time better.

Nostalgia is definitely musical.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Letting Go

I can't relax. Mostly, it's this unfinished feeling I have. There are so many things up in the air right now, unresolved bits, and I just want them to get resolved, fall back into place, be finished already. It's awful.

The other part of it is that I'm a stupid people pleaser. I hate that about myself. Or maybe it's just that I can't stand for people to dislike me, which feels like another side of the same coin. Either way, it's hard to just chill and wait. Oh, how I hate the waiting game.

So, if recognizing the problem is half the battle, why don't I feel better? And how do you just "get over it" if that's the way you've been living for... well, forever? I don't really know. But tonight, I'm going to try just letting it all go since I have no control over it all anyway.

If you must be completely ignorant and hateful, please, please, for the sake of Baptists everywhere, TAKE BAPTIST OUT OF YOUR NAME. This makes me physically ill.