Friday, September 30, 2011

Ambien but Coherent, I think...

I'm sitting here trying to make myself cry, just so I can get whatever is in my eye OUT. It's been there for HOURS now. It's driving me nuts!

Listening to this song helps a little.

Mediating between my sons after taking my Ambien is... not working. They should be in bed. I think they are now.

I finished The Magician King. Enjoyed the "reading" of it, there is no doubt about his ability to spin a tale. Did not care for where the tale went AT. ALL. I've always said you've got to leave your reader with hope, at the very least. You could argue he accomplishes that, but I disagree. He gave us two books to get to know the character of Quentin, and for Quentin, that was pretty much the opposite of a happy ending. And I saw it coming-- in the hillsides of England and Poppy's preachiness-- but it didn't make me feel any less frustrated when the ending came.

I will sleep well tonight. I have cleaning and grading that absolutely MUST get done tomorrow.

I should start praying for my classes. Some of them are dealing with issues most of us might never have to deal with in our lives.

I have symmetrical pimples-- one smack dab in the middle of each cheek. Whenever I get symmetrical zits, I think of Ali, my college roommate and best friend, and how we often discussed the triangulation of our pimple maps-- AND the times we got pimples in the exact same spot, like we'd synced up in zit production and spacing along with menstrual cycles. Sometimes I miss college, though there's little in this paragraph to convince the reader as to why that might be.

Today, I got excited about writing. Then I remembered my family and my jobs... and was less excited. I have been writing. Vignettes, which is fine, since that's how I get back into things. I'm writing and thinking about writing all the time now. And that's a good.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Blahs

I have this theory that the bigger you are, the easier to lose the first weight-- like I think the first 20 lbs will come off fairly easily. It'll be the rest that will be tougher and require me pulling out all of the stops. The first 5 lbs are gone, just by being a little better. I even cheated a tad, but I completely cut out my night time snacks.

I've been sort of listless/bored lately. I don't mean to say that I'm not busy, I am, but it's like I'm not as interested in all that's going on or something. Part of it might be that I have a pretty clean house and am caught up on my grading. Weird, I know, but it's like I need a little chaos/stress in my life to keep it interesting. I'm never happy when everything is done and my room is perfect. 'Course, I'm not happy when I'm super behind and my room is a mess-- I need to shoot for that in between stage, I guess.

It's Friday though. Sleeping in tomorrow, which makes tonight more fun.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Emmys Blurb

Congratulations to Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones fame! Truly deserved, he is a genius with that character.
“Definitely not me,” he said when asked who he expected to win. “Esteem issues.”

Haha, I love that.

My mom is visiting, which is wonderful. She has a way of making everything wonderful. (That's not sarcastic, haha, it sorta reads that way, but no. We're best friends, so it's always good to see her.)

Almonds, string cheese, and a caffeine free diet coke for a snack. Then some grading and lesson plans, and on to the evening.

Monday, September 12, 2011

A non-post

I didn't do a post on 9-11. Mostly because I've read the other bloggers that did, several other sites, and there's nothing new to say. It was horrible. It was this solid, tangible horror that sat in the pit of my stomach for weeks.

And I think it's a good thing that I didn't have anything to add, which is what I'm going to add. We were one that day and those emotions still have a oneness, a sameness that unites us. I can read my experience, my feelings about that day on the walls of your facebooks and the pages of your blogs.

Just complaining. Feel free to skip it.

Cucumbers and a spinach/tomato/onion salad for lunch. Coffee for breakfast, no time for anything else since I stayed up too late and overslept a bit. I've got ground turkey defrosting for a turkey chili, one of my favorite diet foods because it doesn't taste like a diet food to me.

I've got three hours today to get some lesson plans fleshed out. Need to find a dress for this weekend. I hate dresses now that I'm fat-- pants are so much more flattering.

I can't decide if it's sad, normal, or weird that I'm this excited about the new fall season of TV. Probably a little of all three.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ambien made me do it

So I don't take an Ambien EVERY night, just when I've had too much caffeine, too much stress, or too much worry.

Anyway. I think I'll try to start a little ssegment-- "The Ambien made me do it."

And then I'll try to just blog normally, but it won't be normally because... because it's like I'm under water, like something is pulling me down or weighing me down or something down. and that itchy feeling behind my eyes wants me to pull the curtains on this show and say G'night Gracie.

But I'm a sucker for the in between. I find it interesting that when I take the Ambien and then get up to do something I might have complete conversations and never remember them. I forgot the last blog I wrote in this condition.

So we'll see. Next Ambien post will be about something. This is about nothing. By the way, I repeat myself in real life and in writing because I'm a teacher who basically spends her entire day repeating herself and varying the ways she says the same thing... over and over. It's bound to spill over into my fiction and blogging. Welcome aboard.

Just as a reference to the strength of this drug-- a drug which is clearly never to be abused since it's hopped up enough on its own-- but anyway, the words on my blog are vibrating in a liquidy sort of way. G'night Gracie.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I want pizza.

I really hate dieting. Like, there's nothing about it I like. You can tell me it's going to make me skinny or healthy or whatever, but the only time I like dieting is when I'm thinking about it, not when I'm doing it. You know? Because it takes like four weeks for me to feel the effects, so it's just gotta be straight, simple willpower.

And I'm not feeling it today. At all.

I want pizza.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I love being the mother of only boys. They confide in me, and we have secret jokes-- my kids are hilarious.

Now if I could just get Jay organized.

Tomorrow the Direct TV guy is upgrading my receiver in the bedroom to an HD DVR receiver FOR FREE. Apparently we were due an upgrade. So happy, just in time for the new season. Looking forward to The Ringer with Sarah Michelle Gellar.

I'm in that dream state that obviously isn't a dream since I'm typing. Hmmm... Is Ambien addictive? I'm going to have to consider that.

p.s. how awesome would it be if I could sleep write (like sleeptalk, sleepwalk) You wake up to a brilliant manuscript... I want.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Just Getting Through It

I'm doing a gratitude journal along with my comp students. And it's good for me.

I need to go grocery shopping-- after class, before piano lessons (for my sons, not for me). I will not be done with this day until 6. I can't wait until Saturday morning. I'm all about the sleeping in that will occur.

Tomorrow I meet with my oldest sons' teachers, a meeting I set up. Three weeks in, and he's missing assignments. I know some would tell me to let my son fail and see the consequences of his actions, but I'm not going to let a 14 year old make stupid decisions that he doesn't realize will impact his future. Yes, we've told him, but do you remember 14? High school is the world, and it's difficult to see past it. I won't give up on him. He'll do all of his own work, but I'll be there making sure he does.

Even if it kills me... bah.

So if I'm handwriting my gratitude journal, I guess this has turned into my complaining journal. I'll work on that.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I bombed on my diet yesterday. Big time. Well, it's subterfuge when my husband buys pizza and cinnamon rolls. But today, I packed a salad and some almonds from home and have drank 24 ounces of water so far, with another 24 sitting in front of me. Today will be better.

It's cold and rainy here today-- actually kind of nice for a change. The hot and humid thing was getting old. I'm sure in a month or two, I'll be back to wishing for the fiery days of summer, but for now, my umbrella and I are quite happy.

I was thinking of working my way through a book on writing while I write, but only as long as I enjoy it. I was reading this book and decided to try one of the exercises, which was to take a movie scene from memory and write it as a scene. It was a disaster. I felt like I was writing fan fiction, and I have to tell you, I know many people really enjoy fan fiction, but I just don't get it. If it's not cannon, I don't really care.

Anyway. Maybe I'll try a new book or just move past this particular exercise and see what else he's got to offer in later pages.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Because I want to

Since I am not guaranteed a position anywhere anytime soon, no matter what I pursue-- what if I threw caution to the wind and did what I want? Pursued writing, which is what I've always dreamed of and just sort of ditched all of the research stuff?

Like, what if?

I wrote a letter tonight. It was a letter to an imaginary board of people, asking them to give me an imaginary chance on an imaginary application to an imaginary program. It felt good. Like Jerry-McGuire-writing-a-manifest good. And then I thought, What if it's not imaginary at all? What's the worst that could happen? I suppose I could get rejected and have to adjunct at three universities to make ends meet -- oh, wait, that's what I'm doing now.

Yeah. There's something sorta sweet being at the bottom, because what the heck, there really is nothing left to lose career-wise. (That should be word, right? Google says no, but careerwise feels like a word, and if it's not, it should be.)

And I feel more like myself tonight than I have in years, which can't be a bad thing.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Opinion Please

I need a vote from my ONE reader--

Talk about diet, books, writing, family, work, all of it here? Or, since my diet journey is going to take a bit of time if I'm realistic, maybe I should put it somewhere else.

Ambien. Since my chester drawer handles look more like smiles than drawer handles, and everything in the room is sort of swelling in and out, like breathing, but it's not scary at all, because I know it's the Ambien and it's me being affected not anything else in the room...

This entry may have gotten away from me... do I dare leave it?

Friday, September 2, 2011

And Again

Desperate for changing
Starving for Truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after You.

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take Your invitation
You take all of me.

Nothing quite like coming home. Again.