Saturday, June 5, 2010

Bipolar or just in need of work?

I hear lawnmowers in stereo, the result of my two boys mowing the front and back lawn simultaneously, made possible by the two mowers we have since my husband mows older women's lawns in the summer.

Mike is down at his dad's mowing and weeding and mulching, oh my! And I sit. Here. Needing to grade and just not feeling it. Of course that's not really a condition of whether we do what needs doing, right? Hard work is "hard" for a reason. But there are times I'm actually in the zone, and the grading comes quicker and easier. Right now it's taking forever to get through a paper; I'm really forcing it.

So a break to blog about the break... downright transcendental.

I wonder what really affects moods. I mean, aside from the obvious: weather, relationships, difficulties in life-- what makes me wake up in a certain mood one day and another the very next? It all seems so arbitrary that I should feel hopeful one day and abysmal the next, when nothing in my life has changed significantly.

I don't know. But I do know this: I am not cut out to be unemployed (not that I am right now; I'll be teaching all summer, but I do have a week off before the next quarter starts). As much as I like the "idea" of being rich and not needing to work, the truth is that without something at least one or two days a week to get dressed for, something where people are counting on me and I'm getting paid to do it, I fall into a bit of a wandering depression. Not that there aren't amazing days that I'm thankful to be off-- to read or sleep or fold laundry and watch movies, but I find that it's tough to consistently have nowhere that I "have" to be.

Now, I'll never love full time work (though I'd give anything for a full time job right now), but I need to work part time, to get out and share knowledge, listen, and be listened to. Maybe if I were rich, I'd just join a lot of clubs-- book clubs, writing clubs, cooking classes... stuff like that. Still, there's something to be said for needing a paycheck and working hard to get it.

It's cleansing.

2 comments:

  1. A bit of structure is a really amazing thing. I don't know how similar you and I are in general, but in this respect I understand exactly where you're coming from. Heck, sometimes even weekends depress me if I don't have enough planned, enough to keep me feeling like I'm useful. Of course, joining the church choir has helped a lot. :-)

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  2. Structure (to a certain degree) is necessary for me to avoid depression, absolutely!

    Church choir, excellent.

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